The Grocery Challenge is but one demon we are facing right now. There are many turning points in our life that we are trying to consider. We are not coping well with changes and emotions, which often leads to bouts of anger and frustration.
Personally, I am tackling the challenge of inner peace and still accepting motherhood for what it is.
This past week I have been gripped with such panic and fear. I am anxiously awaiting my monthly cycle to start. I have taken numerous at home tests in sheer panic. I went to my doctor and was told that, because the tests are negative, it could be too early or a manifestation of stress. I just love hearing how stress could be killing me slowly.
My therapist suggested that if it makes me feel better to keep taking tests until my cycle starts; seeing the negative on the strip may calm my panic and help me to start thinking outside of what I automatically assumed was the cause of my symptoms. I have until Tuesday for my cycle to start before I really start panicking. My hormones keep fluctuating lately. My doctor is sending me to a GYN to discuss this. I’m not sure that is the best doctor for my situation. I know that the GYN will want to discuss birth control, but it never works out for me. I’m even more hormonal and it disrupts a lot of my systems.
I wanted to try to find the root cause of my panic, besides the obvious reasons I kept listing in my head.
The limited space in our apartment
Paying off our credit card
Clark can’t walk yet
Do not want another c-section
Do not have a big enough car
Can’t get another car without down payment and CC paid off, which happens next year
Possibility of bed rest
I mulled all of those things over for a long time. They are obviously big reasons why this would not be an ideal time for a surprise.
They weren’t the root cause though. I feel that I doubt my ability as a mother. I get frustrated very often. I don’t connect with my hyperactive 6 year old. I know I have too many expectations that are often unfulfilled. I, also, think that I don’t know what to expect from my husband. He can’t get up at night. I mean that literally. He does not wake up. When he sleeps, he’s out. He hasn’t really ever changed any diapers unless I am gone. He hasn’t willingly given any baths or prepared food for the boys.
All those things are challenges for him as well. It’s my expectations versus the reality.
I attempted to put a positive light on the possibility of a surprise.
What if it’s a girl
I could attempt to breast feed again
I could get a doula
With a supportive doctor and healthy pregnancy I could VBAC
I could have a girly, nerdy Harry Potter or Nightmare Before Christmas nursery/corner of my room
I would call it, until gender is know, the #NightmareBeforeChristmasMiracle
Having another boy would be cheaper, but I have a girl name picked out!
Those positives seemed to help. Then I started to get depressed a little. My husband doesn’t want anymore, so what if a surprise is the only way I can try for a little girl.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my boys. I don’t like the drama of little girls, but who can say no to baby dolls and tea parties. OR Baby dolls attacking a city of Hot Wheels. I could see that happening in this house.
My own insecurities about myself and motherhood are a big challenge lately. I can’t even keep up with the laundry. So how do I expect myself to keep up with three children running rampant? I can’t handle the constant noise when both are yelling and playing around. Can I add a baby to that? There are times I need nothing but silence.
My husband is already overwhelmed at work. Honestly if we could afford it, he would leave the military life behind. Every time I open an EOB and see the costs of Clark’s medical supplies I know we cannot.
I don’t know how to start getting these challenges together. I’m hoping the right path will become visible soon. In the meantime, all I do is try.