Ramblings from the hypomanic side

*  I am irritated and slightly hypomanic, you have been warned*

 

 

I know that I shouldn’t be on Facebook a lot, much less reading and posting in the support groups on there, while I am hypomanic. I still seem to have this crazy thought that I am in control when in this state. Sadly, I am not.
When you’re bipolar, you are stable when not in an episode.  When you’re in one, well it’s like Russian Roulette with what mood the trigger is going to land on.

I had a relatively calm start to my day. I made the boys chocolate chip waffles, I had to deal with Clark crying because his Bubba was not awake, and then I left Clark with his daddy to take Joshua to see Lego Batman.

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We watched Lego Batman during the Sensory Friendly Showing. Joshua was calm and sat still. It was almost $5 for a bottled tea. Irritation number 1.

We sit through the movie and I’m trying to take a mental note of how many kids attended the movie. I spot a few other special needs kids right off the bat. They remind me of Clark so that’s how I knew. The rocking, the low humming noises, the picking out certain pieces of popcorn, the noise reducing headphones, etc. That’s what these films are for. I wonder if Clark would be able to attend one too.
We leave during the last maybe 10 minutes of the movie because Joshua had to use the bathroom and by then all of his attention had been used up.

When we get home, Joshua immediately runs off to play outside and Clark is eating his lunch at the little table.
I am happy to see him and happy that his daddy has made him a PB&J sandwich. He even changed what he described as a horrendous, foul diaper.  Clark has noticed that his brother went outside to play so he wants to go outside too. I need to eat lunch as well so I’m trying to tell him that mommy wants to eat too then we can go outside. There is no pacifying Clark so I let him sit outside while I make a sandwich and grab some chips. I am slightly annoyed that I have to remind Clark that he can’t crawl all the way down the concrete in his attempts to play with his brother. I know he doesn’t understand that yet.
So I sit in the doorway with my lunch to watch him play. We notice that Eevee is outside and she’s looking at something. We follow her direction and she’s spotted two hawks on top of the opposite house. We tell him that Eevee sees a big bird and that Eevee should come back inside because that bird is bigger than her. Clark is yelling “Eevee see bird! Eevee see bird!” Then he sits beside me in the door way and eyes my food. He starts grabbing chips as I’m trying to tell Joshua not to barrel past his brother.

It takes me a little while to do the whole brain connect thing of he’s actually eating chips! The last time he ate them wasn’t a good experience.  He almost got choked. Well my attention span and excitement was short-lived because they were both ready to fully play outside. We decided to take a family trip over the Park. The boys had a great time at the park. Clark petted a dog, multiple times, and only really wanted to go up and down the steps of the play structures. I kinda made him go down a slide, just once. His daddy caught him at the end. He cuddled his daddy for a couple of minutes and we told him he did a good job going down the slide. Joshua climbed on everything as intended. Then Clark, with much encouragement from his daddy, literally rolled around in the dirt and mulch. I was freaking out. I was almost in panic. Thoughts of germs, strep, getting a stick in his eye and so on  was wreaking havoc on me. Shortly after that we left. Clark came home, got a bath, and went down for a nap.

During his nap, I had some dishes to do. More irritation. My kitchen is a mess.
Clark woke up early from his nap. He wanted to be held in his rocking chair for like 15-20 minutes after he woke up. I tried so hard not to be irritated with the incoherent whining. I rocked him, squeezed him, and everything he needed. Then I took him downstairs for a snack, drink, diaper change and so on. He watched his daddy out the window as he cleaned out the shed. Then he indecisively spewed out TV show names until he settled on Fireman Sam. He asked for a snack. I couldn’t figure out what he was saying. He was getting mad. I finally figured out it was CHIPS! I forgot that he ate them today! So he got a bowl of chips.

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Watching Fireman Sam with some chips and his play Army hat.

 

 

While he was content with his TV show, which turned from Fireman Sam to Peppa Pig, I started on some scones. I made myself some iced coffee to drink so I really thought it would be nice to have scones.  (Do you see the rapid thinking here? Not yet?)
So I started on homemade vanilla scones. I realized as I was starting that I was out of stick butter. So I used some shortening in its place.  Slight irritation again.

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I’m a messy cook….and messy everything else too.

 
I got them mixed up, rolled out, cut, and in the oven. I forgot that last time I made them I wanted to lower the oven temp because the bottoms burnt a bit. So I just cut off the bottoms. I made the glaze, got them situated with that, taste tested and then went to see if Joshua wanted one. He did. Then I gave his friend one. After that Clark had a taste of the outside, but he was still in just a diaper so I had to get him dressed. He hates getting dressed.

Then we played outside again until it was time to start on dinner. I had to have his daddy help get everything and everyone inside because there was a lot of fuss over coming inside. Joshua didn’t want dinner before I even started it, so he opted to make himself a peanut butter sandwich.
Then there came crying and screaming over tv shows, toys etc. I was frustrated because my kitchen was a mess again, due to me making scones, and I had to make dinner. Since I didn’t get the stew in the crock pot this morning we opted for a quick dinner of frozen shrimp scampi, rotini noodles with Italian seasoning and EVOO, honey butter carrots and a clementine. Clark had some avocado with his too. I kept getting interrupted while I was trying to eat. I had a battle with Clark over eating a carrot. After I got him to finally taste the carrot, fit and all, he realized he does like carrots and ate the rest of them. Once he was ready to get out, I was finally able to finish eating. He ate some of my noodles by grabbing them with his hands and then subsequently getting olive oil and seasoning his hair.
After that we started the bedtime process. Every night it’s like they have never been to bed before. I had hubby put Joshua in the shower so I could lay on the couch for a minute, rest my aching back, and give Clark some deep sensory input while he watched Oso. It wasn’t long before Joshua was out of the shower yelling because “daddy doesn’t know how to take care of me properly” due to his Daddy not giving him a towel or PJ’s. Daddy’s forget sometimes.

Then we moved on to meds, drinks, rocking, Baby Beluga book, deep snuggles, saying Goodnight to EVERYONE and in bed….if you count having to tell Joshua to get back in bed 10 times.

I can’t take it when he constantly does that and I’m already set off by little things. So I try to do something that my counselor tells me to do often, which is find something positive. I had a good day playing outside with the boys and seeing Lego Batman but to me a positive for the day was finding something positive about this area that I hate.

Since I noticed that Clark can eat chips now, that was something positive about this area and about Recruiting: his medical care. I posted the picture above, of him eating his chips, in the USAREC Support Group. The posts now have to be approved by an admin.
So shortly after that this my FB status:

There are SO many reason why I don’t get along with many Army wives. One of them being that most of them think that once get into an “authority” position, like admining a group, they are some badass bitches. Can’t fucking stand it.

I was going to post a pic of Clark, the one earlier with his chips, saying how we are thankful for the medical care here at recruiting because of everything Clark has accomplished. The admin would not approve it because he was in a diaper citing that she didn’t think it was appropriate. I told her it was parental discretion, if she has done her job then no one dangerous should be in a military support group, and that she can’t censor a disability. She continued to get snippy to me. So I’m done. I don’t need a usarec support group. I don’t need “Army” friends.
I’ve made it the majority of my life with only like 5 friends. I’m good.
As far as Clark goes, it is MY DECISION and my decision alone what to post about him. He will NEVER be made to feel ashamed of his tube or of having a tube.

 

There’s a huge escalation there and I know that. I shouldn’t be on those groups when hypomanic.
However, I also know that you can’t censor my child’s disability.

So hypo or not I’ll be talking to someone about that.

I may not have been able to convey how easily my thought processes jump from one thing to another, or how small irritations can set you off, but trust me that this is not easy.

My counselor wants me to practice more self-compassion, so let me show how that works in this context.

  1. This is a moment of suffering.
    This is a difficult part of being bipolar.
  2. Suffering is a part of life
    Many people with bipolar disorder experience this. Many people feel the same pain that I do.
  3. May I learn to accept myself as I am.

 

Rating scale:  1 (not at all) to 5 (very often)

  1.  When things went badly for me today, I saw the difficulties as a part of life that everyone experiences.     
    2. Because I don’t think everyone experiences the same kind of suffering

     

  2.   I tried to be loving towards myself when I was feeling emotional pain.

    3. because I was aware of my hypomanic episode

  3. When I was feeling down or upset today, I reminded myself that there are lots of other people in the world feeling like I am.

    2. It’s really easy to forget that other people suffer and even though it may not be in the same way, they still experience grief and pain.

    4. When things were difficult today, I was tough on myself.

    3. A little bit. I know the kitchen issues were my fault.

    5. I was intolerant and impatient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like.

    5.  I always wish to be more patient, tidy, not bipolar..those sorts of things.

    6. I was caring and tender toward myself today.

    3. I allowed myself to rest for a moment while holding Clark. I’m not sure if that counts.

    7. I saw my failings as part of the human condition.

    2. It’s really hard to see that when not everyone has 5 disorders and 2 kids with needs

    8. When I was suffering, I was kind to myself.

    2. I’m trying

    9. I was a bit cold-hearted towards myself when I suffered today.

    3. I was probably a bit more cold-hearted towards other people.

    10. When I felt painful things today, I tried to approach my feelings with curiosity and openness.

    . 2. No I try to make them go away,

    11. I was disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies.

    3. I generally am everyday.

    12. I was intolerant and impatient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like.

    3. Again same response.

    So self-compassion is hard.

    In the next blog post I hope to have more organized, less rambling thoughts and be about something I find is hard to talk about; The grief you can have over being a special needs parent and even more so a complex parent.      Until then, I’m off to watch Resident Evil with hubby with some hot cocoa.  XD

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