So I started working on a blog post that went like this:”
“I’m way behind on meal planning because life is chaos as usual. I don’t think I’ve been home much for the past 2 weeks. We’ve had a lot of therapies and appointments.
My house is making my ADHD worse because it’s in a perpetual state of disaster. I have no idea when I last cleaned my kitchen completely, from top to bottom. There are currently Cheerios all over my living room floor and in the crevices of my couch, thanks to Clark.
I think my cats are in survival mode too. They know to come and meow at me in the morning and at night so they get fed. All 3 of them circle me like a hawk, meowing, purring, and rubbing against me.
My laundry is in shambles. So much for really digging in and completing my goals.
I won’t go in to the depressing details that have happened lately. Instead I will tell you some good news and leave the other stuff for later…unless you’ve already followed our new FB page.
The good news is
Clark may be able to get his tube pulled in the summer!
Let that sink in for a moment.
After I heard that from the GI, I wanted to cry. I was also anxious. Anxiety likes to sneak up on you and force you to catastrophize a situation as worse than it actually is.
I pushed that down and after the appointment we met up with my husband at Target and Clark got to pick out a new toy. He wanted a little toy George from Peppa Pig. Then we bought a cake to take home and celebrate. (I ate 3/4 of the cake by myself.)
Now the conditions for tube removal are that he remains steady on his growth chart, he doesn’t the tube during an illness, he doesn’t loose weight and he doesn’t end up dehydrated or hospitalized. His doctor said that even though Clark burns A LOT of calories, he’s active and energetic, gaining new skills, and retaining the nutrition from food. If he wasn’t keeping in any of the nutrition then he wouldn’t be climbing up to 10% for height!
Therefore if he doesn’t need the tube for hydration, medications or nutrition then there is medically no reason to keep it in.”
After I wrote that I had kids to deal with and forgot what I was doing.
That’s great news, right?! Clark may get his tube removed. Awesome!
That’s not what I want to talk about right now.
I want to just touch base on the random things I think about during the day. Sometimes they are so random that I don’t remember what I was thinking about at the end of the day. I really need a notebook or recorder for those thoughts. I try to tell my husband some of them but he just looks at me funny.
Like me trying to convince him that we need a support dog.
I’m going to be honest and tell you that I feel like a failure almost every day.
It doesn’t matter that I have gotten Clark to a point where he can possibly get his G-tube out.
It doesn’t matter that I’ve made strides with my multiple disorders.
It doesn’t matter if I actually managed to do laundry today.
I still feel like I’m not doing enough.
I’m currently reading a book on ADD/ADHD organizing and it makes so much sense to me. It is helping me to understand why none of this has ever worked for me. In essence, I’m a shitty housekeeper. I just am. My brain isn’t wired for it. Since I have a plethora of disorders dancing around in my brain, one of them continuously battles the other. So because I have ADHD all of the organizing stuff just confuses me, but because I have anxiety I get anxious because everything is a disaster and now I have to clean it all up!
My own son is struggling with the cumbersome organization issues of ADHD. He’s being made to clean his room. Otherwise he doesn’t get his night-night blanket back.
It’s been 2 days and he still has half a room to clean.
I just want to lay on the floor in defeat.
But I can’t.
Because I’m supposed to be the model for my children.
Do you understand that?
I’M SUPPOSED TO BE THE MODEL FOR MY CHILDREN.
This is not going to end well.
Let’s ruminate on that while I take my child to get cognitive evaluations done.